Sunday, July 24, 2005

unrelated rambling

it amazes me how people LOVE to spread bad news. maybe it has to do with our own fears of dying, like people might never know, so it's our obligation to tell everyone we know about deaths in the community to make sure sad events are acknowledged.

this has all been brought on by a girl i sort of knew in college (b/c we were on the same study abroad trip and then later in the same yoga class, but haven't kept in touch, really) iming me to tell me that this one guy from our study abroad trip died of a sudden brain aneurysm this morning. it took me a second to place him--he wasn't in my core group of friends there--but now i can't get his face out of my head. i actually have a photo with him on the bookshelf behind me--from my 21st birthday potluck dinner, a big group shot--and i can feel the back of my neck burning with the knowledge that it's directly behind me, but i haven't gone over to look at it yet b/c that feels morbid.

i'm looking at my buddy list and noting that one of the few people from that semester abroad that i do occasionally talk to is online--should i assume he's heard the news, or should i im him and check? it feels like the worst kind of gossip: "have you heard that he's dead?" anyway, i'm sure that he has heard, since he seems like the sort who is good about keeping in touch with people, and i know he was friends with a lot of those guys.

this feels like especially weird timing, b/c i was just thinking earlier that i'm extremely fortunate in that only one person close to me has ever died (my grandfather, when i was 20). my sister has had a number of tragic deaths of friends her own age (including one extremely close friend) and that seems a lot harder to comprehend. who expects a funny guy in his mid-20s to suddenly drop dead? i don't even know if he was still funny--i hadn't seen or talked to or even thought about him in about six years. there's nothing there for me to mourn, you know?

i'm told that they're considering setting up a scholarship for the program in his memory--a lot of the kids from that semester apparently all live in boston and i guess keep in touch, and that seems like an appropriate thing for them to do. i told them of course to let me know the details, and of course i'd donate some money for that (once i get those good ol' student loan checks), because what else can i do?

i just went and looked at that photo--there he is on the far right, with almost a sad look on his face. obviously i'm projecting, but since everyone else in the photo is more-or-less grinning, and since he's in the front, it's sort of noticeable and a little strange and a little chilling.

perhaps this is a good time to renew contacts--i haven't talked to the kids who were my best friends that semester in literally years, b/c i'm not one of those people who is very good at keeping in touch, and i was worse about it when i was 21 and didn't think much about the future--i tended to take it for granted. [and it seems so hard: copying and pasting an email address that might not even work anymore, to email . . . what? "hey, it's been five years since we were close, but i've always been curious about how you're doing and what you're up to, and i'm not sure you even remember me, and congratulations on the wedding you apparently had last year to your boyfriend of many years--and tell him hi, too, b/c he was pretty awesome also . . . " i mean, seriously, what would i even say?]

it always takes some sudden death of someone our own age to make us not take the future for granted, i guess. and then we almost always forget.

anyway, here's to warren, and my vague memory of a funny, nice guy.

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